HOW TO WIN FAME AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE
While Jake Paul’s big fight against Tinpot Mike Tyson on Friday is almost certain to be the most talked about sporting event featuring a Social Media Disgrace influencer to be staged this week, it won’t have been the first one. The sweet science has long since lost whatever credibility it had as a sport, with promoters finding new ways to debase it in their chase to the bottom line. Football has always purported to be above such publicity-grabbing stunts. Even if those who run and play it are as rapacious in their pursuit of cash as any of the smooth-talking hucksters behind the decision to put a long-past-his-best Tyson against some internet wonk 31 years his junior. A supposed meritocracy on the pitch at least, places on elite professional sports teams are supposed to be earned through blood, , sweat and tears, even if the inexplicable, ongoing presence of [insert your favourite team’s worst performing player here] in the lineup suggests otherwise.
There’s a very good reason why Manchester United’s £86m flop Antony hasn’t started a single top-flight game this season, but for all the shortcomings he has showcased since moving from Ajax, the hapless Brazilian can play a bit and is not being left out so that Performative Meltdown Man, who procures coin by watching United games in his Fred The Red jimmy-jams on YouTube, can take his place. Making it as an elite professional footballer is famously difficult, so one can only imagine what the mood was like among those occupying the Deportivo Riestra substitutes’ bench for their Argentinian top-flight game against Vélez Sarsfield when they learned a young influencer with no previous footballing experience known as “Spreen” had been picked ahead of them on Monday night.
With more than 13m followers across various platforms, Ivan Buharjuk was included at the behest of Victor Stinfale, who owns both the club and an energy drink company he wished to promote by registering the 24-year-old as a player, giving him the No 22 shirt and sending him out to line up against the league leaders. His work done in what might have been the stuff of his dreams but is that of Football Daily’s most terrifying nightmares, Spreen was substituted after 50 seconds without touching the ball, but not before incurring the wrath of a commentator from broadcasters Tyc Sports. “He doesn’t even know where to stand … it’s unbelievable,” they thundered. “This is shameful, it’s a total disgrace.”
The Argentinian Peter Drury wasn’t the only person to criticise Deportivo’s decision to cheapen the game, with Vélez goalscorer Braian Romero among a plethora of players, past and present, to voice his displeasure by channeling his inner Samuel Beckett. “It is a wrong message to society, to kids who try hard,” he sighed. “Football is not that, it is trying and failing and trying again.” Juan Seba Verón also chipped in, declaring Spreen’s inclusion as “a total lack of respect for football and footballers”. Aware of the brickbats likely to be hurled his way for kowtowing to his paymaster, Deportivo manager Cristian Fabbiani revealed that he had told his opposite number about his plan to start (and immediately substitute) Spreen in advance, for fear of being accused of disrespecting Vélez Sarsfield. And how did Gustavo Quinteros take the news? “He told me to leave him on for half an hour,” honked Fabbiani.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
And I’m so sick, so sick of those coaches saying, ‘Oh yeah, but the intensity [of the flamin’ A-League]’… OK, we will talk about someone who won the World Cup, won the Euro, [Bigger Cup], played in England for 10 years. He wasn’t quick, he wasn’t the strongest. So despite that, he was one of the best players in the world. And we’re talking about A-League intensity? You must be kidding. Put horses on the pitch, they will be running – but they can’t kick a ball, and they can’t play. They can’t pass the ball. Seriously, I’m disgusted to hear that kind of stuff” – it’s fair to say Juan Mata’s Mr 20%, Fahid Ben Khalfallah, is not best pleased with Western Sydney Wanderers boss Alen Stajcic’s sparse use of the 36-year-old Spaniard.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
Bird-watchers fond of crying fowl will know that the coot (not the Coote) is clad almost entirely in black and, according to the RSPB, it ‘patters noisily … and can be very aggressive towards others’. Unlike the soon-to-be-rarely-seen Coote, the coot’s conservation status is secure and still has a future in which to ruffle feathers and stick its beak where it shouldn’t” – Mark McFadden.
Many years ago I was working in the kitchen of a hotel in the picturesque Peak District, where once a month a pair of stocktakers would arrive to ensure all was above board. On one occasion, one of the auditors turned out to be a football referee. As the morning went on it turned out he had recently sent off a feisty Norwich forward, describing him as ‘a mouthy little man’. Obviously my head chef took great pleasure in having me wait on them hand and foot purely for the joy of watching a Norwich supporter slowly lose his mind” – Phil Withall.
After the sunny and lovable Gary Lineker, Match of the Day needs a change; after all, as we look around we see that life in general is getting less sunny on every dimension. So what better candidate to reflect the new world we live in than our old friend José Mourinho? There we would have him, glaring balefully at his invited punters and treating their banalities with due sardonic bitterness, sneering at the camera and daring us to carry on watching. It would bring the end of the world a little closer, but since it’s almost here, what would that matter?” – Charles Antaki.
Totally fair to assume Gianni Infantino pulled the idea of a Supporters’ Shield out of his behind (yesterday’s Football Daily, full email edition), as this expanded Club World Cup appears to have been conceived in a similar fashion. However, the Supporters’ Shield is one of the most organic things about MLS, yet also quintessentially MLS because it has been co-opted by the league and means precisely squat. Teams don’t get stars over the crest for the Shield. That comes from an MLS Cup victory, which is subject to a Russian roulette-style playoff system the league changes almost every year in what is usually marketed as exciting, but actually ensures a number of the franchise owners in the playoffs are guaranteed one home match to squeeze their fans’ wallets. It’s a level of creativity Infantino clearly takes some inspiration from” – Colin Durant.
Can I be the 1,057th person to ask how if ‘it started to rain on the 17th day of the second month of Noah’s 600th year’ that he managed not to ‘walk on dry land again until the 27th day of the second month of his 101st year, some 375 days later’ (Andrew Kluth, yesterday’s Football Daily letters). Does Noah lie about his age on Tinder too?” – Peter Storch (and 1,056 others).
Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s letter o’ the day winner is … Mark McFadden, who lands their very own piece of Football Weekly merch. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s David Squires on … troubling times for Manchester City and David Coote.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Jon Max Rushden, Barry Glendenning and the pod squad for the latest episode of Football Weekly. Meanwhile, in the latest episode of Women’s Football Weekly, Faye Carruthers asks Tom Garry, Marva Kreel and Chris Slegg: are Arsenal back and are Everton doomed?
RECOMMENDED SHOPPING
Looking for a present or just something to read? Then check out the Big Website bookshop, where you can now order the latest David Squires, new releases from Nick Miller, Miguel Delaney and Andy Mitten, or My Beautiful Sisters, by Khalida Popal.
HOW TO FILL THE MOTD CHAIR
With confirmation that Gary Lineker will stop hosting Match of the Day at the end of the season, speculation has begun over who could possibly replace the former England striker – a stalwart of the show for 26 years. Twenty-six years! That’s a Fergie-like stint at the helm. If we’re to carry this comparison further, maybe the BBC will hire Des Lynam to oversee the appointment of a familiar face (Alan Shearer? Micah Richards? Clare Balding?) before giving it to Mark ‘Chappers’ Chapman when viewing figures fall off a cliff. History tells us that more than a decade of hand-wringing and mediocrity could follow if they c0ck this up. Which is why we think the Beeb should take our advice and start scouring the minor Portuguese TV stations for a sparky 30-something presenter with a meticulous attention to detail and knowledge of tactics that would make Jonathan Wilson blush. Bem-vindo ao Jogo do dia!
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Ecuadorian club LDU Quito have announced that midfielder Marco Angulo has died aged 22, just over a month after being seriously injured in a car crash.
Former Premier League referee Mike Dean reckons that David Coote video could harm the progress of grassroots officials. “It’s damaging for everyone involved,” he tooted. “From top to bottom, it will devastate referees who are trying to get up the ladder.”
Andy Robertson is enjoying silencing some critics by showing a return to form for Liverpool. “People can write me off all they want,” he chirped. “But I will always try to keep working, keep improving.”
Jarrad Branthwaite has added to Lee Carsley’s concern about England absentees after sitting out training with unspecified knack.
Is the Championship ready for Frank Lampard’s Coventry? It might have to be because the former Chelsea boss is in the running for the Sky Blues job.
Like a 90s pop sensation, Martin Ødegaard says he’s “listened to my body” and pulled out of Norway’s games to focus on getting fit at Arsenal.
Teammate Mikel Merino thinks that the pressure of the Premier League title race will bring the best out of the Gunners. “The mentality and the character that these guys are showing is just unbelievable,” he roared.
Ankaragucu chief suit Ismail Mert Firat has defended his jailed predecessor, Faruk Koca, claiming that “misleading public perception” led to his three-and-a-half-year prison sentence. Koca, whose punch fractured a Turkish referee’s eye socket, committed “no disgraceful crime” and is a “legend” in the eyes of Firat. Sigh.
And Santos are back in Brazil’s Serie A, a year after being relegated for the first time in their history, after a 2-0 win at Coritiba. “The joy of making history. A source of honour and joy,” cheered forward Guilherme. “Truly, a difficult year. The fans deserve it too much, every member of staff at the centre, the board of directors. I’m at a loss for words.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Gil Gomes on his son, Angel, and a remarkable family odyssey. Well worth your time, from Rob Draper.
David Coote has made a fool of himself – but worse, he has undermined referees, sighs Paul MacInnes.
From match-fixing to an official ‘making an idiot’ of himself by celebrating, Michael Butler looks back at five notable refereeing incidents.
The expansion and promotion of women’s football into the game’s cultural spaces cannot be overestimated, writes Suzanne Wrack.
From presenting in pants to political controversy: notable moments from Gary Lineker’s Match of the Day career, courtesy of Luke McLaughlin.
And a month ago Las Palmas were winless and set for relegation – then in came a charismatic coach for whom every detail matters. Sid Lowe has more.
MEMORY LANE
Gerry and Terry: Messrs Francis and Venables work on the Loftus Road pitch in January 1974 after their FA Cup third-round replay with Chelsea was called off because of a waterlogged pitch. When the game eventually took place on an abomination of a surface, QPR won 1-0, going all the way to the last eight before defeat to Leicester City.
