OH IRELAND
Well, that was close. Despite all the media pearl-clutching over mass withdrawals and the inexplicable no-show of a new manager who – Football Daily checks notes – is not due to start work until the new year, England somehow stumbled over the line to win promotion back to the top tier of European football’s equivalent of the old quiz show Turnabout. A lunchtime show of such byzantine complexity even its host has gone on the record saying he didn’t understand the rules, it still attracted a huge audience because … well, it was on. And so it came to pass that Wembley was filled to capacity on Sunday for a match billed as “must-win” for England, even if a sizeable proportion of those in attendance had no idea why. Look, it was something to do.
Adopting similar tactics to an idiot arguing speciously with somebody far cleverer than them on a Social Media Abomination, Ireland set out their stall early by attempting to drag England down to their level and then beat them with their considerably more vast experience at not being very good at football. And it worked up to a point, specifically that one early in the second half when Harry Kane’s supernaturally precise, game-changing pass from the touchline to Jude Bellingham reduced them to 10 men and won England a penalty, which the skipper proceeded to score. While the Irish were entitled to feel aggrieved at having been denied an obvious penalty in the first half, their subsequent capitulation meant the post-match mood was more one of embarrassment, with their skipper Nathan Collins even going so far as to say sorry for the display.
“First of all, it’s probably an apology from all the lads for that second half,” he tooted. “That’s nowhere near the standard we should be. Obviously, circumstances change things but we know as a group we’re a lot better than that and that’s not on.” As Irish as Guinness, leprechauns and dancing a jig while holding our arms rigidly down by our sides in a manner that only a referee or his video assistant would consider natural, this edition of Football Daily thinks Collins is veering into dangerous territory by issuing an apology for a poor performance, not least because it sets a dangerous and potentially repetitive precedent given most of Ireland’s performances in recent years. We do, however, take exception to his insistence that the boys in green “are a lot better than that”, because pretty much all available evidence suggests nothing could be further from the truth.
And what of England? Following a largely successful six-game reign in charge in which he achieved his goal of winning promotion and blooded eight new youngsters including Roy Keane’s future son-in-law, the interim manager will hand over a team that is in excellent shape to Thomas Tuchel, a hired gun who has been employed for 15 games with one specific target in mind. While the German may not have been in England last week, he can hardly have failed to hear the distinct sound of media quills being sharpened before he has even taken up his new role. “I will hopefully go and meet Thomas and present what we think and what we’ve found,” cheered Carsley of the dossier he plans to leave in Tuchel’s in-tray. “I look forward to meeting him in the next few weeks.” Whether or not Tuchel will be as enthused about hearing the excruciating minutiae of how England won their episode of Turnabout is anyone’s guess.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Rob Smyth from 7.45pm GMT for hot Nations League minute-by-minute coverage of Poland 2-1 Scotland.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m absolutely devastated so I’m going to try and cleanse the area. There’s a graveyard somewhere near. Honestly, I’m not joking. I think [it] is very close to an ancient burial site so I’m going to get my wife to come up and say sorry to all these people and hopefully we’ll have a bit more luck” – Swindon Town boss Ian Holloway has very possibly been watching too much Pet Sematary, but with his team 22nd in League Two he’s decided that the time has come for action when it comes to their “haunted” training ground. He has at least stopped short of following in the, er, footsteps of Barry Fry. “I don’t want to do what he did, I think he had to urinate on the corners of his pitch but I’m going to get my wife to come up with her sage.”
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
Picture the scene: the mighty Rome struggling to recapture its former glories, beset by internal power struggles that see leader after leader failing or being brought down from within, until eventually everyone turns to an old man on the fringes called Claudio …. sorry, Claudius. Surely history isn’t repeating itself?” – Mark McFadden.
Seeing Andy Morrison’s email (Friday’s Football Daily letters), which referenced Glenn Hoddle and ‘setting the balls up in the right place’ brought back unpleasant, indelible memories of the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. Maybe watching ITV’s coverage was a punishment for sins in a past life” – Ed Taylor.
Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s letter o’ the day winner is …. Ed Taylor, who lands their very own piece of Football Weekly merch. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Max, Barry and the pod squad bid farewell to Lee Carsley in their review of the weekend’s action for today’s Football Weekly.
RECOMMENDED SHOPPING
This plug might not have the big-budget production values of the John Lewis Christmas advert, but it’s no less worthy. Get over to Big Website’s football bookshop, where you’ll find everything from David Squires’s latest to other new releases from Nick Miller, Miguel Delaney and Daisy Christodoulou.
A BIT TOO ON THE NOSE?
Five years after it was commissioned and then kept in storage, the Harry Kane sculpture is finally on public show in South Chingford, London. “It’s pretty special to be honest, these are things I didn’t think of when I was young,” whooped the England forward. “These little moments are special and this is where I first started playing, it all began here and it was the building blocks of my career. This is a great inspiration for the boys and girls who play.”
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Rodrigo Bentancur has been banned for seven domestic matches by the FA for using a racial slur about his Tottenham teammate Son Heung-min.
Liverpool boss Matt Beard has got the funk on after a penalty awarded for a foul outside the area settled the WSL Merseyside derby. “It wasn’t a penalty. That’s it,” he sighed after Everton’s 1-0 win. “It changes the complexity of the game. The [officials] have all got unblocked views. Even I saw the contact was about a yard outside the box. I just give up with it, to be honest with you, because it happens every week and not just with us. It’s cost us the game today, 100%.”
In order to accommodate the men, Arsenal will now host Bayern Munich in Women’s Big Cup at … Borehamwood.
Hungary assistant coach Adam Szalai says he is “doing well” after collapsing and being taken to hospital minutes after the start of his country’s 4-0 Nations League defeat against the Netherlands in Amsterdam.
Elsewhere in the Nations League, France have finished top of Group A2 after going to Milan and seeing off Italy 3-1. “We wanted to win, we were out for revenge,” roared goalkeeper Mike Maignan. “It was about pride after losing at home against them.”
And Belgium boss Domenico Tedesco insists he’s still the right man for the job after a 1-0 defeat to Israel capped a poor campaign, coming off the back of their early Euro 2024 exit. “The negative sentiment is nothing new. I was told this is typically Belgian,” he sniffed.
STILL WANT MORE?
Deep breath …
Saudi Arabia’s World Cup: how close could Fifa get to corporate manslaughter? By Barney Ronay.
England’s 5-0 win resulted in Jude Bellingham and Lewis Hall receiving Jacob Steinberg’s high praise in his player ratings, but Barney fears a lack of mobility means Harry Kane has run his race.
Scotland have found an elite weapon in Ben Doak who will be unleashed in their Nations League decider against Poland, reckons Ewan Murray.
Next up in Michael Butler’s 90s footballers series: Bobo Vieri!
Sid Lowe gets his chat on with Ayoze Pérez who, after nine years in England, has revived his career back in his homeland.
Jonathan Wilson laments Ghana’s lack of direction and leadership after the African giants disastrously failed to make Afcon 2025.
Neymar only managed a 30-minute cameo after a 12-month lay-off, signalling he is still the Saudi Pro League’s invisible man, reports John Duerden.
Nottingham Forest are shining in the Premier League now but it was their Robert De Niro-esque like trainer that brought the best out Frank Clark’s vintage team, writes Luke McLaughlin.
Hopeful young players who did not know better are being scammed by fake agents who offer trials but take the money and run, writes Sam Dalling.
WSL talking points: right here, right now.
Renée Slegers has guided Arsenal smoothly during a time of need, but Tom Garry warns they would do well not to give her the permanent job.
Barry Glendenning gives his flowers to the Premier League players who have belied expectations (in the best way) so far this season.
And what do David de Gea, Lamine Yamal and Omar Marmoush have in common? They all make Ben McAleer’s XI of the best players in Europe this season so far.
MEMORY LANE
To March 1973 and London’s Hilton hotel (that wallpaper!), where goalkeepers Pat Jennings and Kevin Keelan have taken to the stage during an afterparty following that day’s League Cup final at Wembley, in which the former’s Spurs team got the better of the latter’s Norwich City.
