Ilana Gritzewsky, a pastry chef, no longer bakes cakes.
It’s been almost a year since she was taken hostage by Hamas — the memories of the Oct. 7 terror attacks remain vivid — and her 55 days trapped in the group’s tunnels under the Gaza Strip transformed her.
“Today, I’m doing more things that I didn’t used to do, rather than the things I used to do,” said Gritzewsky, 30, who spoke to NBC News ahead of the first anniversary of the attack.
“I don’t bake anymore, which is my profession. I can’t handle it right now,” added Gritzewsky, who was taken captive from kibbutz Nir Oz, a small community in southwestern Israel around 2 miles from the fenced-off border with Gaza.
Guilt weighs heavily on her. Her boyfriend, Matan Zangauker, 24, was taken at the same time and remains in captivity, one of around 100 hostages still in Gaza, although around a third are believed to be dead.
“Why can I hug my mom and they can’t,” said Gritzewsky, who was freed as part of an exchange for Palestinian prisoners in late November. “Why I can talk whenever I want and they can’t,” she added. “Why should I feel that I’m free if they’re not?”
Gritzewsky said she took strength from holding a necklace her mother had given her a few days before the Hamas attacks in which about 1,200 people were killed and 250 people taken hostage, according to Israeli tallies. Health officials in the Gaza Strip say more than 41,000 people have been killed in the Israeli military offensive in the enclave since then.
Gritzewsky’s memories of the day are indelible, as they are for Agam Goldstein-Almog, who was taken captive along with her mother, Chen Goldstein-Almog, 49, and her brothers Gal, 11, and Tal, 9.
Her father, Nadav Goldstein, 48, and sister, off-duty soldier Staff Sgt. Yam Goldstein-Almog, 20, were killed by Hamas fighters in the safe room of their home in kibbutz Kfar Aza.
Her life turned topsy-turvy in a few moments.
“Everything happened so quickly,” Goldstein-Almog, 18, said. “From a normal, good and safe life, I suddenly found myself in a tunnel in Gaza.”
Moran Stela Yanai was awake at dawn that morning after a night of partying at the Supernova or Nova music festival in southern Israel’s Negev region.
Despite the early hour, the 41-year-old jewelry designer enjoyed a gorgeous sunrise. But before 7 a.m., militants began invading the festival site and she and other festivalgoers fled to hide in nearby trees.
“Then I made my biggest mistake,” Yanai said — she began to scream for help.
“I called to the army and then the wrong group heard me,” she said.
It took Yanai a while to realize that she was not living a nightmare and instead that being a hostage was her new reality. And after 54 days in captivity, the day of her release was the longest, she added.
“It’s the first time that I saw my face clearly. I saw my face maybe twice during the entire captivity,” she said. “And I didn’t recognize myself for a second. I had a different look in my eyes, but I was really proud of myself that I managed to survive this whole experience.”
Aviva Siegel, 63, who was also freed as part of the exchange, said she sometimes allowed herself to think about her husband, Keith Siegel, returning home from captivity “and me jumping on him and screaming and being happy.”
Like all of her fellow captives, Siegel said she would not “allow herself to lose hope because if I do, who will scream for Keith? Who will scream for the hostages to come back? I’m going to keep strong and I’m going to scream as loud as I can.”
Almog said that since her release, she has asked herself questions and tried to recover from her ordeal.
“But it’s not possible until everyone returns,” she said.
