The England team have a multitude of longstanding issues which are yet to be resolved. The failure to develop a midfielder who can seize a game like Luka Modric, a chronic tendency to pick a side on star power rather than functional chemistry, and that bloke with the trombone who will not stop playing The Great Escape. But one saga has finally reached its conclusion. Harry Kane’s statue is out of storage and ready to meet the public.
You may remember the initial excitement about this important work of art, which cost (a weirdly reasonable?) £7,200 but sat in storage for nearly five years because of Waltham Forest Council’s inability to find a suitable location. At last it has had its big veil-removing day, only slightly ruined by everyone seeing the statue already earlier this year, when they were furious about a supposed misuse of public funds.
Risk-assessment killjoys ruled out a spot on the platforms of Chingford railway station near where Kane grew up, and there was an abandoned plan to house it in Ridgeway Park, where he played youth football. Just as the statue looked destined for a future as a conversation-starter in Gary Mabbutt’s garden, a home has been found at the 11th hour.
Walthamstow’s Peter May Sports Centre will be the final resting place for Bronze Kane, which has not so much divided opinion as united it. People are not keen.
Is it the inaccurately large shin pads? The odd proportions? The facial hair which appears to have been rendered with Shredded Wheat? Take your pick.
Somehow the unveiling pictures are unflattering for both Kane and his metallic doppelganger. The statue looks weedily lean, like the striker during one of his early loan spells, and Kane’s winningly dorky enthusiasm is shown up by the steely empty-eyed stare of the statue. Everyone’s a loser.
England are still waiting to win their first major trophy since the 1966 World Cup and Kane believes that is what it will take if he is ever to have a statue of himself erected outside Wembley alongside Bobby Moore.
“I think we need to win a major tournament,” said Kane, when asked about a possible statue at the national stadium. “We’ve come close on a couple of occasions and the next step is for me and the other boys to win.
“We have a new coach [Thomas Tuchel] coming in March. He’ll be great for us, he has vast experience in the big competitions, he’ll bring a great energy to the team and he’ll put his own stamp and identity on the way we play tactically.”
And while this undeniably looks a bit like a promotional wheeze for Dairy Milk, statue Kane is a long way short of the sporting statue hall of shame…
Some pretenders to the crown in recent years, most notably the squiffy Cristiano Ronaldo bust:
…the Miami Heat’s attempt to honour Dwyane Wade, creating an expensive gargoyle:
…and the glorious Sir Andy Murray terracotta warrior unveiled in Shanghai in 2011, (unimpressed reaction, model’s own):
But of course there can only be one winner, the eternal champion of terrible sporting statues, little Ted Bates:
It only lasted a week outside St Mary’s but will forever remain in our hearts.
