Dear Eric: I am feeling ignored by my family. I am an introvert, my wife is an extrovert, but I was a very involved dad when the kids were little. My wife and I worked full time, and we assumed 50/50 childcare responsibilities.
Since my retirement, I have been generous toward my adult children. My wife reaches out to our adult children, often sending little attentive trinkets that I happen to hear about. I asked her whether these little tokens of affection are sent just by her or by both of us, and she wouldn’t say. Now, I don’t want to enter into a trinket race with my wife, should I?
I also feel sidelined elsewhere. I respond to WhatsApp messages, one kid replies, the others do not. They are more responsive when their mother posts. Should I complain? In general, it seems my wife is playing superstar, and I sweep the stage. It’s all civil during visits. Am I seeing here a problem that doesn’t exist? It bothers me immensely, to the extent that it keeps me awake at night.
– Invisible Dad
Dear Dad: You’re not seeing a problem that doesn’t exist, but you’re probably looking at it the wrong way. It’s natural to sometimes feel envy about closeness that family members have if you don’t feel the same closeness. And, as an introvert, there are going to be things that come more easily to you than they do to your extroverted wife, and vice versa. So, I think the problem is you’re feeling the desire for a deeper relationship with your kids but you’re not seeing a path to get there.
Think about how you want to connect with your kids. Do you really want to be engaged in WhatsApp conversations or is the deeper yearning to just have more conversations? Similarly, do you want to be involved in the trinket economy or do you really desire a better way to make sure your kids know you’re thinking about them? Asking these questions of yourself will help you imagine an ideal relationship with your children.
With that in mind, you can go about building that and asking for it. Maybe it’s setting up a regular check-in with your children one-on-one or giving yourself an assignment to go to the mall and find one trinket to send out. Maybe it’s finding a completely different way of building a relationship. Remaining curious about who they are and who you are is going to help a lot here.
It might take a little time to see the results of your efforts. Relationships are reciprocal and you’re setting up new patterns. But it can happen. It will happen. Also, feel free to ask your wife for advice about this. She might see something you don’t, or she can help the kids to be more purposeful about including you.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
